God's Tender Mercy

A battle with Autism (or any disability) is exhausting, draining, and lonely most of the time. On top of all the normal worries that comes with parenting you have to add so many other worries to it.

For the past three years we have been unsure of the cognitive understanding levels that Kaleb and Joshua have. They are high functioning, yes. But that doesn't mean much when they can't "use their words" in times of emotional crisis to tell me what is hurting or bothering them or why they are sad or angry. Instead all I get is a total meltdown...just like a 3 month old infant (trust me...I know what this looks like because I HAVE a 3 month old infant).

So the other day in my morning prayer I asked the Lord to grant me greater patience that day. We still had meltdowns but they seemed to come out of the tantrums more easily than other days. Bryce was home so I decided to take Joshua (3.5 years old) into town with me to run my errands. I felt the Lord's Spirit direct me to leave the music off and to ATTEMPT to "hold a conversation" with Joshua. Now this kid has A LOT of vocabulary and if you ask him about cars, trains, airplanes or Transformers...he can tell you everything! But...he can't tell you that he's crying and throwing a fit because I put milk on his cereal and he didn't want milk on it. So...anyway, I decided I would start by asking him some questions. I was FLOORED that he responded each time after only being asked the question one or two times. It went something like this...

Me: "Hey, Joshua...What's your favorite color?"

Josh: "Blue and Lellow"

Me: "Really?!"

Josh: "Yep!"

Me: "Okay. What's your favorite food?"

Josh: "Macaroni"

Me: "Yum! What's your favorite number?"

Josh: "FOUR! Because I'm four!"

Me: "No you're ALMOST four. You're still three."

Josh: "Oh! I'm ALllllmost four." (holding up his thumb, pointer and middle fingers)

Me: "What's your favorite animal?"

Josh: "ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRR!!"

Me: "Do you mean a Tiger?"

Josh: "No? A LION says ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR. That's why I like it. That's why I like a lion." (with his little head tilted to the side and nodding like a life sided bobble head...sooo cute)

Me: "What's your mom's name?"

Josh: "Mommy!"

Me: "Right! But actually my name is Beckah. So what's your mom's name?"

Josh: "Mommy! AAAAAND Beckah."

Me: "Yep. And what's your Dad's name?"

Josh: "Daddy!"

Me: "Dad's name is Bryce like your middle name. But you call him dad."

Josh: "Yeah his name is Bryce. And my name is Bryce. Because he gave me his name in the middle because he loves me."

Me: "You are so right, Joshua. You are so right. Dad loves you. And I love you too."

Josh: "Yep! You love me. And you love baby Jacob and Kaleb and Dad too. Cuz we're a fam-i-ly."

I started crying. I hope everyone understand how significant this kind of a CONVERSATION is with a child that has autism and cognitive impairments! For 3.5 years I've hoped to have this kind of back-and-forth talk with my son. I felt so blessed. But if that wasn't enough God truly showed me his tender mercies by allowing me a "teaching moment". You know those little moments where your child says or asks something really profound and you have one second to think how you will answer and you know your answer will truly effect them. You can see it. You can see the little wheels turning in their noggins. Well....I NEVER get to have those. I have NOT ONCE, until last Monday, ever had the chance to teach my children something "verbally" profound. Here it is...

We were driving in the old town of Hudson, Wisconsin and Joshua thought that all the churches where cool. There were bold colors and white churches and big ones and little ones. We were on our way to return some books and dvds to the public library. He saw one really big, white church and said "Look mommy! There's the temple!"

I don't know why I even thought that I should NOT saying anything. For a moment I wanted to bite my tongue. I was thinking to myself...."He'll never understand if I actually explain it to him." But I was SOOO glad that I proved myself wrong. What a miracle and a blessing. Truly one of my most tender mercies God has granted me in this journey....

I said,

"Actually Josh. Do you remember the temple we showed you by Grandma's house? That is a temple. That is where Heavenly Father can come and visit his children on this earth. This building is beautiful on the outside and I'm sure it's nice on the inside but it is NOT a temple. A temple is a temple because we make significant promises to Heavenly Father in exchange for his knowledge and power and guidance in our lives on this earth. Only members of our church can go inside and make those promises because they are so sacred and holy."

I could see that he was thinking about what I was saying but I was thinking that he didn't really understand and that I was explaining it way to complicated anyway.

But then he asked

"So how do we have a temple?"

I explained,

"Well. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father came to a young boy named Joseph Smith and told him not to join any of the churches but that he needed to restore or to make new the Church of Jesus Christ on the earth. Then when he was older they taught him how to build the temples and they taught him how to make those special promises inside. Do you know what church you belong to Joshua?"

I felt a power so strong and yet so powerful confirm the things that I was saying inside my own self. What a beautiful confirmation of my own testimony to my child that I love and want to help so much and with whom I've struggled to help. So deep. So profound. So merciful and loving.

Joshua perked up "Nope! But you do!"

So then I taught him the primary song "I belong to the church of Jesus Christ" but I couldn't remember all the words so we hummed when I didn't know. It goes like this,

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I know who I am. I know God's plan. I'll follow him in faith.

I believe in the Savior Jesus Christ. I'll honor his name.

I'll do was is right. I'll [hmm-hmm] his [hmm-hmm].

This truth I can proclaim.

...or something like that. But I know this is true. I know who I am and I know that these three precious little spirits have been lovingly entrusted to me for my growth and for theirs.

Autism is hard. It ruins simple games like duck-duck goose and patty cake. But it brings other blessings like understanding simple truths. Like learning to enjoy the simple joys of seeing a blue-jay for the first time or a bunny rabbit hop through our yard and marveling at all the miracles of the changing of the seasons. It teaches me the joy of a simple conversation between to people who love each other. I watch so many parents take that for granted. Be grateful that your kids will sit and let you read to them. Be grateful that they can tell you about the picture they drew at school or that they even can draw. Be grateful that they can look you in the eye and say I love you and you know they understand the meaning behind what they're saying --not that they've been "prompted" to say it because that is the appropriate response. Cherish their childhood. Cherish those moments. I know I do....or at least I try.